In today’s episode, I have a special treat for you. Today I’m talking to Katie K. May, therapist, author, and founder of a therapy practice in the greater Philadelphia area that supports teens and families. Katie is also a board-certified self-harm specialist, and she wrote the book “You’re On Fire, It’s Fine: Effective Strategies for Parenting Teens with Self-Destructive Behaviors.” This conversation was so good, and I know you’re going to get so much out of it.
In this episode, we talk about:
What it means to be a “fire feeler” and why some teens experience emotions like an internal explosion that takes over everything, as well as why it’s rooted in biology and not a character flaw
What’s actually happening in a teen’s nervous system when they shut down and go to their room, and why pushing harder as a parent tends to backfire
The transactional model of behavior and how the changes a parent makes on their own, even without their teen in therapy, can start shifting the patterns at home right away
Why judgment-based labels like “manipulative” or “oppositional” can inadvertently reinforce the very behaviors we want to change, and what to do instead
The difference between reactive punishment and natural consequences, and how to hold teens accountable in a way that actually teaches something
What self-harm is communicating about a teen’s internal world, why it works physiologically to calm the nervous system down, and how parents can respond in a way that keeps the door open rather than driving the behavior underground
The “circle of support” concept and why it’s so important for parents to look outward for their own support rather than leaning on their teen to be okay so that they can feel okay
What DBT gives teens that other approaches don’t
I finished Katie’s book the morning of this interview and I cannot recommend it enough. It is a quick read, it is practical, and it gave me so much language for things I’ve felt but couldn’t always articulate in my own work with teens and parents. Whether your teen is in crisis or you just want to show up better in your relationship with them, this book is for you.
Go find Katie and her book, read it, and share it with every parent you know who is in the thick of it.
IG: @katiekmay
